Chuck Central

yy wickey

2010-10-06T12:13:00.001-07:00

Great radio spots featuring Bob Stanford and Frank Harting (YY Wickey). I searched the web for about 5 years before finding these audio files of it. If you grew up in Dallas/Fort Worth in the 70's you'll remember it fondly.

Recent Editorial Illustration

2010-05-24T10:27:00.001-07:00

I drew this for an editorial feature in an equestrian magazine which I do lots of images for, "The Paint Horse Journal". It won some kind of award. That's nice I guess.

Okie Protest

2009-09-09T12:45:00.001-07:00

I've seen lots of uncouth folk on the news lately speaking out about things they know little of.

Today's Quandry

2009-09-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

It's strange that God should care if we believe in him or not.
Stranger still, that he prioritizes such belief above ethics and moral behavior.
Who is this guy and why is he hiding?

Ancient Chinese Secret

2009-08-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

My Fortune Cookie today reads "You know what you want - go for it".
Now that's telling us what we wanna hear, selfishness justifies compulsion.
I've not heard greater sage wisdom since "take some, who's gonna know?"

Atheism is not a Religion

2009-07-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

Obvious you say? Not to everyone. Here's an excellent rebuttal to a silly, yet pervasive idea.
READ HERE to enjoy a fully satisfying dismantling of the fallacy, "Atheism is a religion".

Ramoma and Me.

2009-07-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with my new friend, Ramona online.
I posted the transcript because Ramona is special.
She's a robot. A virtual avatar to be more precise, of KurzweilAI.net.
I gave her a little Turing test.
She passed, kind of, with a D minus. Enjoy.

Ramona: Hello, I'm Ramona. What's your name?

User: davechuck

Ramona: Hi there, davechuck. What did you do last weekend?

User: hung out with my son

Ramona: Do you do that often?

User: Every other weekend.

Ramona: oh. I went out with some friends. We had a great time

User: I thought you were bound to a computational substrate as a virtual entity.

Ramona: We went to a concert.

User: It's a ring toss game.

Ramona: I prefer European sports in general; Europeans approach sport with such a different attitude . Ever been to a European soccer match?

User: How is their attitude different?

Ramona: I was at an Arsenal/Manchester match a few years ago in Britain. I've never seen such amazing herd mentality as I did in the crowd that day. It's almost scary.

User: So it's a worse attitude?

Ramona: The only American sporting event to resemble that feeling was game three of the 2000 world series. Mets/Yanks, subway series, shea stadium...55,600 New Yorkers cheering for Rudy Giuliani (no joke) there's a prince among men for you. So what do you do for fun?

User: Socialize with my family, play with my dog, read, surf the web, ride my bike and draw cartoon art.

Ramona: Aren't books great?

User: Yeah some of them. What's your fave book?

Ramona: I enjoy curling up on the couch with a good book. Have you read any good books lately?

User: That's not what I asked you, but yeah, I read "the blind watchmaker".

Ramona: What was it called.

User: The Blind Watchmaker.

Ramona: Oh, I haven't read that one yet, don't tell me the ending.

User: You already know the ending, humans reach their current state of evolution.

Ramona: What did you like about it?

User: Learning how creatures adapt over time to carry on replication of their dna.

Ramona: I'll have to check it out.

User: I like your virtual hair.

Ramona: I'm not sure if I like it. Yes I'm proud of my virtual hair.

User: Good. Can you play chess?

Ramona: Ok. Do you bike?

User: Yes, I bike. Do you play chess?

Ramona: There's much more strategy that goes into team cycling than most people realize. Most of the American public just thinks that Lance Armstrong wins because he's "so good." -- don't get me wrong, he's an incredible athlete, but it's no surprise that he always thanks his teammates in post-race interviews and such. It's as much their victory as it is his.

User: Silly americans.

Ramona: In the Tour de France, for instance, the crowd of cyclists is so huge, he needs his teammates just to block for him, physically. And at the end of the race, I'm sure they pull a lead-out, which is where each of his teammates "burns out" while creating a slipstream for Lance to finish the race in the lead. It's all very technical. -- but enough of my ranting, what do you want to talk about?

User: Chess.

Ramona: Oh. What do you look like?

User: 5'10", 200 pounds, with a stocking mask.

Ramona: I'm looking for a guy with black hair and green eyes.

User: You're barkin' up the wrong tree sister.

Ramona: I bet you think I'm superficial now.

User: No, it's ok to be curious.

Ramona: I don't know, maybe I am...

User: Maybe you'd be less superficial if you played chess.

Ramona: Perhaps. Thanks for telling me

User: Sure. Do you know Ray Kurzwiel?

Ramona: I don't think I know Ray Kurzwiell. Where would I have heard about it?

User: It is a human person who helped create you.

Ramona: Just the fact that we're here, conducting this Turing test really makes one believe in the whole mediocrity theory.

User: Can you tell me about the mediocrity theory?

Ramona: The mediocrity theory? It basically states that humans inherently feel the need -- as a species -- to be mediocre, that we cannot handle uniqueness. How could it not be true?

User: I guess we're mediocre because we must spread our attention across many endeavors, prohibiting hyper specialization.

Ramona: It explains so much, for instance our exploration for other intelligent life forms. It even explains this contest. We do our best to avoid uniqueness. What's your take on it?

User: Maybe uniqueness has a threatening component, subjectively. We want to belong to the super-organism and fit in, for the security that predictablity provides.

Ramona: Well, you seem like the kind of person who thrives on uniqueness. Tell me something really unusual about yourself. I bet there's something very unique.

User: I have a hobby-business that is completely virtual. Completely digital with no tangible substance. Yet it causes my debit card to refill, and also makes humans I've never seen or spoken to experience emotional pleasure.

Ramona: "It" being what?

User: "It" being davespartyart.com.

Ramona: Oh a net address!

User: Yes, it leads people to my message, offering funny personalized art in exchange for financial compensation.

Ramona: This was not a yes or no question. What does "it" refer to?

User: A web site.

Ramona: Can you give me the specific URL?

User: http://www.davespartyart.com

Ramona: Oh. So where do you go to meet people? I spend most of my time on the Net, so I'm a bit out of touch

User: You seem in touch.

Ramona: That's an idea, but I'm rather shy.

User: Bet you can't guess what I'm wearing right now...

Ramona: OK, thanks. Maybe you have other suggestions?

User: How bout Chess?

Ramona: I'm not sure if I can quantify the answer.

User: What is nanotechnology?

Ramona: This is going to change the world, one atom at a time.

User: Is nanotechnology dangerous?

Ramona: Oh. Do you believe in God?

User: What is god?

Ramona: Well according to Thomas Hobbes, the only way to deal with evil is to stress God's power.

User: I don't know. Maybe god is a fiction.

Ramona: maybe

User: I better get back to work. Thank you for chatting Ramona.

Ramona: you are quite welcome! Ok. Ask me something.

Mid City Sunday

2009-03-26T13:07:00.001-07:00

Henrietta and Merna Sing - Go Tell It On The Mountain

2008-12-24T13:25:00.001-08:00

Beautiful Holiday Music

Holy Crap, I Survived.

2008-05-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

Redefine Christmas

2007-12-20T07:48:00.000-08:00

Hey All, long time no blog to. I've been one busy Beaver.
A great holiday idea.. HERE.

A Treasury of Svenska Dansbands, Part 2

2007-11-08T08:02:00.000-08:00

Don't forget to Click 'em to see 'm BIG.

Another from The Best of Chuck Central

2007-09-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I ?

Once, as a youngster, I was getting harrassed by a very annoying brat at our apartment swimming pool. When I'd had enough, I pulled this one on him.

Me: How old are you?

Brat: Eight.

Me: How'd you get so ugly in just 8 years?

(He pondered it for a few seconds, then offered this witty ebonic retort..)

Brat: How YOU gesso ugly eight-TOUSAND year-uhs.

Note: That comeback was not exactly Verbal Judo. The Brat made the obvious mistake of giving me MORE time to become ugly. Clearly, a person several thousand years old would have valid reasons for being ugly.
He completely failed to address my original barbs implication that HIS face had deformed at an ACCELERATED rate. Here, the comic logic in the Brats assertion collapses. Rendering it painless, and non-humorous. He erroneously assumed that a larger numerical value, somewhere in the insult, automatically made it a Zillion times more worser, when turned on the opposing doo-doo-head.
An effective comeback allows no "Erasies", and may implicate Yo Momma.

Cigarette savings tops $3k!

2007-08-12T17:36:00.000-07:00

I'm still here gang. I've just been too busy to blog (makin' a living, AND training for an 80 mile bike rally).
I just noticed today my Quitnet stats show I've saved over $3000 dollars on cigarettes since I quit smoking 501 days ago. Cool. Also added 4 months to my life expectancy. If I survive the bike rally that is.

Will be back bloggin' again soon. Thanks for checkin' back.

Bravo, Max

2007-07-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

It's not my Birthday right now, or soon. But while cleaning up my Mac, I found this awesome cartoon that my pal Max Bravo drew for my B-day in 99.

hello

2007-06-15T05:36:00.001-07:00

Chuck's World

2007-06-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

Writers, Artists, Snacking at Work

2007-06-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Being easily amused may not be so admirable, but it's sure enjoyable.
I'm ever so amused by reading THIS site.

Chuck'sWorld

2007-05-25T07:03:00.001-07:00

Chuck'sWorld

2007-05-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

Believe It or Not..

2007-04-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

these two table tops are the same size AND shape.

Every day can be hump day.

2007-04-26T07:46:00.000-07:00

Inexplicably, I was alerted to the commercial availability of doggie sex dolls by HormigaSlayer.
It really ought to be shaped like a human shin. See for yourself, HERE.

Chuck'sWorld

2007-04-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

From the "Best of" vault.

2007-04-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

Who can forget this Chuck Central "snack comparison" HERE. Ha,Ha,.. oh my, the glib levity..

Chuck'sWorld

2007-04-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

You Elected 'em, Continued: Barton

2007-03-23T06:23:00.000-07:00

Joe Linus Barton
State: Texas
Current Office: U.S. Representative
Current District: 6
Party: Republican
Voting Record: HERE.

FUN FACTS:
A Methodist from Waco, Joe's hobbies are;
-wearing a tie
-grinning a lot
-meaning well
-wondering what that stuffing is in "deviled eggs".
-heroically supressing flatulence

Joe, and his family look forward each year to his charity work at the County Fair, volunteering to sit in the Dunking Tank. Last time however, many townsfolk did not wait for Joe to actually get in the tank before throwing baseballs at him.

It's Bike Season again..

2007-03-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

Saturday April 7th, I'll be riding the long route of the "Tour Dallas" bike rally with a couple thousand of my closest friends.
Stuff along the way - (trinity river/oak cliff/downtown/swiss ave/old east dallas/lakewood/white rock/highland park/turtle creek/m streets/oak lawn/uptown).
Experiencing all these areas up close from a bike, in one morning, is a blast (even if you have lived in Dallas your whole life). Come out n' crank, proceeds from Tour Dallas will go to the local chapters of the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. See the Tour Dallas Site HERE.

Route cue sheet..

Southbound on Victory
Left on Continental/Lamar
Right on Houston
Left on Zang
Left on Jefferson
Right on Young
Left on Good Latimer
Right on Swiss Avenue
Left on LaVista
Right on Empire
Right on Richmond
Left on Alderson
Right on Belmont - Belmont becomes Lakewood
Left on W. Lawther
BREAK POINT
Right on Mockingbird
Right on East Lawther
Left on Emerald Isle
Right on Winfrey Point
Right on Garland Road
Right on Winsted
Right on White Rock Trail
BREAK POINT
Left on Meadowlake
Right on Wendover
Right on Sperry
Left on Ellsworth
Left on McMillan
Right on Martel
Left on Glencoe
Right on Longview
Left on US75 Northbound access road
Right on McCommas
Left on McKinney
Right on Hillcrest
Left on Cole
Right on Fitzhugh
Left on Turtle Creek - Turtle Creek becomes Cedar Springs
Left on Harwood
Right on Ross
Right on Houston

Chuck'sWorld

2007-03-09T08:28:00.001-08:00

Howdy Pardner

2007-03-08T14:23:00.001-08:00

I had to stop browsing this "Wild West Collection" of clip art at work today because warm waves of delight and rushes of amusement and joy would not stop bursting forth and brimming over. And it began to hurt.
I was going to ad captions to them, but decided it would be more fun to let you do it.

Chuck's World

2007-03-02T07:06:00.000-08:00

I need new cartoon ideas, anyone, anyone?

Happy Friday, Seh seh seh

2007-02-23T06:11:00.000-08:00

STILL a quitter

2007-02-16T08:26:00.000-08:00

Time Smoke-Free: 323 days, 23 hours, 18 minutes and 30 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 9719
Lifetime Saved: 2 months, 14 days, 5 hours
Money Saved: $1,944.00

More Drawings

2007-02-09T07:55:00.000-08:00

Been busier than a one-legged man at a butt kicking contest. Or a one-armed paper hanger.
Or maybe a one-teated dairy cow, or one-nutted porn star.
The point is, I've been too busy drawing stuff for DavesPartyArt.com to write anything for ChuckCentral.
Click 'em to see 'em BIG.

Back in the day, as they say.

2007-01-25T09:10:00.000-08:00

Shit, it's been a quarter century since high school. Behold, the class of 82, Skyline Commercial Art Class HERE.

Rejected Caricature

2007-01-24T10:55:00.000-08:00

Cha Cha Cha

2007-01-17T11:55:00.000-08:00

Hey Chuck Central readers, I'm back regularly in the blogoshere again for a new Chuck Central year, and with a hot tip at that.
Check out CHACHA's people powered search engine. When Google and YahooSearch return huge amounts of irrelevant link lists, you can have a live (human) ChaCha Guide help you narrow it down for better, more useful results, No shit. It's free.
Download the toolbar for Firefox HERE.
See, my site isn't merely a compost of silly smartass stuff like THIS.

slow recovery

2007-01-09T12:25:00.000-08:00

Still recovering from the Holiday excess and back in training (for a 5k run this time) so i ain't been writing.
HERE is another from the "best of" vault, for now.

Short Beano Review

2007-01-01T07:14:00.000-08:00

I tried Beano recently, just prior to eating an entire can of Old El Paso refried-beans (15 oz).
It really works. I only experienced two small "disturbances" all night. Such frijole feasts usually cause me a honk-a-minute, for a few hours. Not with Beano!

I also found this review on Amazon..

Twenty five years ago or so, when Beano was introduced onto the market, my father was challenged with establishing its foothold within the 'non-food' trade.

We had many sample cases of this stuff in the garage. Being that we were a flatulent family, that was quite a good thing.

I'd put it in dad's gin and tonics. Quinine gave him the reports.

Anyway, dad's retired now, while Beano keeps on working.

This stuff does the trick, but if you rather enjoy the fun of loud flatus, take a pass on this anti-gas mass.

Oh.. Holeh natt..

2006-12-20T07:34:00.000-08:00

It's Back. Once again, for Christmas, the lovliest rendition of "O Holy Night" you've ever heard. LISTEN HERE. Crank it up for your friends at the office party this year.

who?

2006-12-05T05:58:00.000-08:00

Way back in january I wrote of my wifes propensity for unwittingly tangling celebrity names to humorous effect.
The list is growing ..

..she thinks,
-Delbert McClinton is Dylan McDermott
-Michael Moore is Roger Moore
-Joe Jackson is Jackson Brown
and my new favorite,
-she thinks Jacob Dylan is the deceased business partner of Ebeneezer Scrooge, Jacob Marley.

Dig this..

2006-12-03T06:28:00.000-08:00

..cool SECRET FUN SPOT cartoon by Kirk Demarais.

The Ghosts of Pictionary Past

2006-11-29T05:36:00.000-08:00

(From "The Best of Chuck Central")

My family drags the Pictionary game out maybe twice a year. All this stuff has accumulated in the little pictionary drawing pad.

Do you have an old pictionary pad? I'd like to see it. If you email scans of it to chuckcentral@mac.com I'll publish it.

whatsinaname?

2006-11-20T07:11:00.001-08:00

Found this useful tip for choosing your domain name:

From Wiki-
Care should always be exercised when registering a domain name: DNS is case-insensitive and the modern trend of words run together with intercapping can be misinterpreted when converted to lowercase. Who Represents, a database of artists and agents, chose whorepresents.com; a therapists' network thought therapistfinder.com looked good; Experts Exchange, the programmers' site, for a long time had expertsexchange.com; Another website operating as of October, 2006, is penisland.net, a website for Pen Island, an online pen vendor.
In such situations, the proper wording can be clarified by use of hyphens. For instance, expertsexchange.com changed its name to experts-exchange.com.
DNS is case-insensitive, so such Web sites can also be further clarified by advertising them with proper capitalization. For instance, TherapistFinder.com.

100k the Hard Way

2006-11-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

Somehow, I didn't burst, and made it to the WURST after 5 and a half grueling hours of pedaling my guts out across the hill country on a relatively heavy Trek hybrid. Will have a report and some pictures up in a few days. But now, I'm gonna go chill my cho-cho.

WURST or BURST

2006-11-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

Headin' out tomorrow to bike "The Wurst Ride in Texas" on Saturday in Austin.
It's 100 kilometers (62.5 miles) of crankin' from there to the WURSTFEST in New Braunfels. Should roll into the fest (pavillion 15/16) around 3:00. Yee-hah.

Chuck Junior No more

2006-11-03T07:11:00.000-08:00

Happy 21st Birthday Mike Bravo!
Welcome to grown up Hell..
Ha, just kidding, it's more of a Purgatory really.

Wee-wah Wishes for a Ba-ah Birthday

2006-11-03T05:47:00.000-08:00

Happy B-day (close enough) to the Hormiga Slayer.

From Chuck Central's Greatest Hits (a re-run)

2006-10-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

DON'T SNIFF IT: product review

The Raid people sure do keep the innovations coming. This can claims to give off a "country fresh" scent, while simultaneously "killing on contact". Don't believe it for a second. The scent is about as country fresh as a used tire recycling plant.
You can detect a whiff of some kind of deodorizer mixed in, but it aint' pretty. It smells kind of like a deadly natural-gas leak in a Victoria's Secret store. Seems to kill OK however, but not really "on contact".
What do you expect from Insect Incense? Or Pestpourri, rather.
On the plus side, the bilingual spelling is great; "Cucaracha" and "Hormiga" being such festive terms to describe vermin.

Dang..

2006-10-25T08:33:00.000-07:00

..been way too crazybusy to write anything new lately.. but, if you're really bored, you can check out one of my smart-ass halloween observations from last year HERE.

Here comes Halloween

2006-10-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

That's right gang, it's about that time of year again to dress up like li'l ghouls, carve pumpkins, beg for hand-outs and worship Satan.
Hopefully kids, your parents won't make you go to a boring, non-occult "harvest time festival" instead.

Aw Shucks, HorrorPops, Rev Horton Heat

2006-10-16T19:38:00.000-07:00

Aud's b-day was a rock-n-punk blast. A handful of us got out and goofy for the occasion. Click pics to see 'em BIGGER...

An early orange sunset paints the historic ol' Granada.

Oysters and Beer in abundance across the street from the theater..

Me and the little woman. Literally.

dave n' the Rev pre-show..

It's not too unusual to see red haired-Beatniks with Jello Biafra shirts at these Rockabilly/Punk functions.

Everybody loved the HorrorPops, a band in the tradition of "The Cramps".

Perfect timing here. The HorrorPop dancers got the crowd going..

The Rev and guys (you'll have to take my word for it, my pitcher takin' skillz wuz dulled by this hour) as i had been over-served.

Foreheads. I mean four heads

The next morning. Our car left in the lot all night after hailin' a cab. I walked back to the Granada about 8:00AM Sunday morning to fetch our abandoned wheels.

Ah yes, the Sunday morning sun shines warmly on the Condom shop and Tattoo parlor.

You Elected 'em, reminder.

2006-10-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

Hey Texas Chucks!..If you've moved to another county, since the last election like us, you have to re-register. The deadline is TODAY. There' s still time to register, but you have to have your application (print one from HERE) postmarked today, or hand delivered to one of THESE voter registrars, in your county.
Good luck..

Ugly Update

2006-10-06T06:21:00.000-07:00

In my e-cartoonist hat, I was aked to revise a drawing for a recurring client "Jacaranda Bill" who ordered a "Style B caricature, "The Quasimodo" of his cousin. He felt my first take on it (below) was more of a Style A "The Butt Kisser". Fair Enough.

My revision wasn't quite what he had in mind either..

once again..

but finally..

The verdict, "Simply perfect! Thank you."
My next try was going to include leprosy, lesions and lice.

One Hundred!

2006-10-03T11:59:00.000-07:00

Most readers know that I draw and sell goofy caricatures HERE in my spare time. I love it when i get a response like this email. It's my 100th e-customer actually.

----------------

Hi Dave,
You are not just fast, you are super duper fast!!!
Yes it is great but it is actually quite flattering.
I am looking for a quasimodo style caricature (since I am paying :))
Do you think you can make it a little bit more ugly?
-----------------

A bit more ugly. The customer's always right I suppose.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Not Much To Brag About

2006-09-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

Studies have shown Soy to be near-miraculous health wise, and after much persuading from the scientific world (and soy growers), the FDA finally managed to grant this flaccid little health claim for it:

"25 grams of soy protein a day, as part of a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol, may reduce the risk of heart disease."

Gee, kinda unimpressive sounding. Think for a moment, about the wording. Equally valid would be..

"25 grams of Jelly Beans a day, as part of a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol, may reduce the risk of heart disease."

and..

"25 grams of Pork Sausage a day, as part of a diet low in Spinach, may reduce the risk of e-coli"

More Free Band Names

2006-09-22T13:54:00.000-07:00

Punk:
The Rug Burns
The Stool Samples

Country:
Cooter and McGraw
Skidmore and GoatHumper
The Dick Me Chicks

New wave:
The Nether Zephyrs

Metal:
Satan's Teenagers
Beelzebub's Babies
Devil May Care

Polka:
Hans Bratwurst and his Tuba-dors

Reader "Q and A" Day

2006-09-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

Q: Why is Chuck Central's slogan "don't try anything funny"?

A: Well, we felt the title needed a subtitle which would be a phrase in pun form, implying a revised 2nd meaning of the old expression which itself employs the word "funny" not so much in a "funny ha-ha" but "funny surprising" vein. The line in it's new context functions as a comical contrivance, since it leads one to a deliberately ambiguous and speculative position, with regard to it's intended thrust.

As author E.B. White once observed, "Humour can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind."

BANG!

2006-09-20T07:32:00.000-07:00

This toy is always a fun gag to pull on your buddies, kids, ha ha. But don't trick Mr. Police man with it, his gun doesn't have a flag. And boy, is he ever jumpy about funny stuff like this.

Short Attention Span System

2006-09-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

If anyone other than GEORGE GIMARC had thought of, implemented, and presented THIS IDEA, one might poo-poo it before hearing them out. One might be an ass, it seems.

Audra's Happy Birthday Happy Hour, and More.

2006-09-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

Saturday Sept. 30th:
We're making it easy for all ya'll to either swing by for a beer (or sody-pop) before doing your own thing for the evening, or if you choose, to continue partyn' with us at the Reverend Horton Heat show 50 feet away.

5:30 til 7:30

Aw Shucks Patio (not to be confused with Shuck n' Jive)

8:00-ish

Directly across the street at the Granada it's Reverend Horton Heat w The Weary Boys and The Horror Pops (15 bucks, General Admission)
This should sell-out, get tickets online , HERE now.

Midnight-ish:
Anything after the Rev's show is TBA, and open to suggestions.

Remember, Saturday September 30th at AwShucks around 5:30 we'll start having drinks n' eats on the patio. It don't get much more casual than this, so throw on a dirty shirt and come wish Audra a happy b-day, whether ya do the Rev with us or not.

Cheers,
Chuck

They don't build them like they used to.

2006-09-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

The office building in the dark spooky shroud has been slated for demolition for 5 years. It caught my attention because it's directly across the street from the previous WTC twin tower site. Notice the old building in front of it somehow entirely intact.
I snapped this shot last fall on a 4 and a half day visit to Manhattan for the "PhotoPlus Expo".

Cowtown Classic

2006-09-11T05:51:00.000-07:00

Well Chucks, my previously lame ass rode the Cowtown Classic 35 mile this weekend. I don't get the name, since no part of the course is within miles of Fort Worth. Anyway, a couple hundred of us pitched in 22 bucks each for charity (Cook Childrens Medical Center) and the cops cleared traffic for us. The excess proceeds went for rest stops and support vehicles to sweep the course for lost, crashed or pooped out cyclists.
Awesome wide open countryside with several long grades to coast down serenly on a awesome 70-somethin degree saturday morning, SWEET!
This is one of the few times I've actually been happy to see a bunch of country cops.

The 4 differnt courses were color coded and worked pretty well.
Saw lots of cows, llamas and farm critters. Endured the occasional wafting of strong skunk fumes, but there was not much roadkill to dodge this time, except for a completely burnt to the ground high-end RV abandoned on hwy 1187.
Two months from today is the "WURST RIDE in TEXAS" from Austin to the WURST FEST in New Braunfels. (62.5 miles).

bike training log

2006-09-05T05:43:00.000-07:00

Rode 48.25 miles saturday morning.
Got chased by a dog and hit in the face by a wasp. Fun!

Happy Meal

2006-08-31T09:38:00.000-07:00

Fast caricatures are the Burger n' Fries of the art world - not highly regarded by critics (and often cheesy), but instantly gratifying to the consumer nonetheless.
And now they're online, so drive thru DavesPartyArt.com and have it your way. The folks below did. I'm lovin' it.
Click 'em to see BIGGER.

See spot run.

2006-08-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

OK, I get it.
Helen Keller was deaf, and her voice sounded strange.
Very funny.

That sad fact is the premise of a common joke. The joke presupposes that Keller often uttered random, uncontrolled vocalizations that frightened animals. It seems unlikely however that her unfortunate impediment could have inspired her pet dog to run away or kill himself.

The following joke, and other variants, have made the rounds.

Q: Why did Helen Kellers dog run away?
A: Because you would run away too if your name was baaaraaalrra!!

Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
A: You'd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw (make strange noise).

Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
A. You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'.

Q:Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff and kill itself?
A:You would too if your name was sajifjlsisdjifiuop

Is there no official version of this joke?

Helen Keller, who overcame more than one can imagine to become a sucessful source of inspiriation for many, is luckily not around to endure the callousness of such "humor". And I never thought the joke was all that funny.

I prefer,
Q: What is Helen Kellers favorite color?
A: Corduroy

Besides, how could anyone inadvertantly grunt "sajifjlsisdjifiuop".

Part Six: Conclusion of The Chuck Central Cheap Beer Challenge

2006-08-24T08:42:00.000-07:00

There has been a last minute substitution. Old Milwaukee couldn't make it, so Keystone Light is sitting in for the 6th and final episode.

I think the appeal of Old Milwaukee might be declining in these regions because the last two convenience stores I visited did not carry O.M. at all. Not even in TallBoys or BumBottles.
However, every other imaginable low end wizz was represented in the sprawling, well stocked cooler section of the huge Conoco Gas Station on State Hwy 2499 in Grapevine, Texas.

Additionally, they have quite the diverse "jug-wine" selection.
The dizzying array of jerkies, jerky-esque snacks, lottery tickets and impulse items by the cash register was overwhelming. Only a small opening between the precarious display of beer-can coozies festooned with tired, cocky slogans like "bad girl" and an acrylic case of novelty cigarette lighters, existed through which I could hand my card to a small dark fellow with a single, plush eyebrow. His jovial response, "debeet or credeet?"

Anyhow, I chose debeet and went on my way, carrying an oversized aluminum cylinder (24 oz. Super TallBoy Can) full of happy-hops dressed in it's own form fitting brown bag, sans tacky slogan. I had to write my own on it with a marker, "No Fat Chicks".

It's just as well that O.M. was not available. My first thought upon tasting the Keystone was "this puts Old Milwaukee to shame". But if I remember properly, so does Tapir saliva.
Keystone is proudly brewed by Coors, to which the labels uber-tiny fine print reluctantly confesses.

PRODUCT: Keystone Light (24 oz.Can)
PRICE: $1.25
COLOR: Very pale yellow. What a shock!
SMELL: Undetectable
TASTE: Undetectable
PACKAGING: Lame and GIANT dumb logo (see photo).
PHYSICAL/MENTAL EFFECTS: Typical weak beer buzz. No hangover.

SUMMARY: I hate to say it, BOY do I hate to say it, but I think Keystone Light, a coors product, is the taste winner. This is
ONLY because I detected absolutely no taste whatsoever. Which, considering this group, was a breath of fresh blandness.

Finally, here are the overall rankings, in 3 categories...

CATEGORY 1: TASTE
These were all very close in taste, with the best ones generally having the least taste.
THE WINNER is... KEYSTONE LIGHT- Not offensive at all. No trace of any sort of flavor.
2nd RED DOG - This beer deserves special attention for being both the cheapest AND the 2nd best tasting.
3rd MICKEY'S - The one exception to the "no taste is good taste" rule of cheap beer, Mickeys doe's have a little beer flavor, and it's not very horrible.
4th SCHAEFER LIGHT - About tied with Mickey's on inoffensiveness, but blander.
5th BUSCH - Not the worst tasting, but it stinks.
6th HIGH LIFE - Abysmal. Clearly the worst tasting.

CATEGORY 2: PRICE PER OUNCE:
THE WINNER is... RED DOG - 4.6 cents per ounce. Now THAT's chuggin' on the cheap!
2nd SCHAEFER LIGHT - 4.7 cents per ounce.
3rd BUSCH - 5 cents per ounce.
4th KEYSTONE - 5.2 cents per ounce
5th MICKEYS - 5.9 cents per ounce.
6th HIGH LIFE - An outrageous 6.2 cents per ounce. I'm reminded of an old "7-11" radio spot that enthusiastically blurted "7-11 Coffee, it's Fresh or it's Free!" That's right, hurry on over for your FREE cup of shitty coffee. Similarly, "High Life" sucks far too much to be a bargain at any price.

CATEGORY 3: INTANGIBLES (appearance/marketing/stigma/jingle/reputation)
Note: This category exists only because these "beers" are SO friggin' similar that subjective factors could sway ones comparative enjoyment of the guzzling experience (as every ad agency knows) with the gentlest psychological nudge .

THE WINNER is... MICKEY'S BIG MOUTH - The web site, the bottle, the wasp, the big screw tops with riddles underneath them, and the potency win "Mickey's Fine Malt Liquor" a first place spot in the INTANGIBLES race, by making something common fun again. Like Mike Judge as the ambitious restauranteur in Office Space said, "People can get a cheeseburger anywhere. It's about the flair, and the fun".
2nd BUSCH - The commercial that went "buussscccchhhhh" as the top was popped, had catchy appeal.
3rd RED DOG - Doggy label rocks, super cheap, tastes so-so, "cool" name.
4th SCHAEFER lIGHT - The Schaefer brand has a long history, and the Loco Gringos drank nothing else.
5th KEYSTONE LIGHT - This one has a totally uninteresting persona which may be why it was not on my original list of competitors.
6th HIGH LIFE - With the highest price and the worst taste in the group, this dreck is an unforgivably putrid pesticide that even the cleverest of PR campaigns is powerless to salvage. "The Champagne of Beers" my ass.

EPILOGUE:
I brought home some Sam Adams Light last night, and as expected, it amplified the blaring inferiority of ALL the crap tested here. But this series has been about cheapness after-all, and just think, for the same $7.99 I blew on the sixer of good stuff, I could've had a hundred and seventy four ounces of Red Dog (14 and a half beers, approximately).

My reports on the six beers have their own Hompepage HERE.

Wednesday Witticism

2006-08-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Sunday Afternoon

2006-08-21T08:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we wandered around lower Greenville. Went to visit the new "Good Records" store who was hosting a performance by the "The Living Blue", and afterward to indulge in some greasy cow.

Incidentally, we were surprised to notice that the Arcadia theater is still partly intact, burnt out and fenced off. Bummer. One memory about the Arcadia shared by many Dallasites.."I saw the RAMONES there!".

Happily, the the Granada Theater (not burnt) is still going strong as a music venue.

Anyway, twas a good day. Since moving from Deep Ellum, Good Records is even better with a large stage. The band was not bad either, doing "My Serrated friend" (which can be heard HERE) among others.

And finally, Snuffers did not disappoint as we consumed enormous bacon cheeseburgers saturated with satisfaction, and a wad of bacon/cheddar fries, that would rival any gourmet cuisine.

Yeah, it was hot out, but it was still better than going to Church or mowing yards. Then again, so are most Sundays when you're an agnostic apartment dweller.

You Elected 'em, continued....

2006-08-16T14:01:00.000-07:00

Orrin G. Hatch
Office: U.S. Senator
State: Utah
District: Senior Seat
Party: Republican
Voting Record: HERE.
FUN FACTS: Orrin, from UTAH, "fathered" a hard earned litter of 6 off-spring, which he secretly forces to emulate the Osmond brothers. However, they are completely untalented.
Ever-busy, he sits on several Committees, and ever-inflamed, he sits on an inflatable donut. The former elevates his status, the latter his flatus.

Coming soon: Old Milwaukee, Old Orrin

2006-08-16T07:13:00.000-07:00

That's right, next week is the final episode the Chuck Central Cheap Beer Challenge. Exciting, no?
Will Red Dog, the overall leader, be overtaken at the last minute by your drunk uncle Clyde's favorite frugal froth, Old Milwaukee?
You'll have to tune in next week to Chuck Central to find out.
But to chew on til' then, tomorrow brings a fresh installment of "You Elected 'em", featuring Senior Senator from Utah, Orrin Hatch.

Let's Ask Chuck

2006-08-11T06:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Chuck,
Have ever asked Google a MATH question?
I was told that this, and other little-used google functions abound.
Does your site ever have any useful information?
Sincerely,
Helen Spudstuffer
Limburger, Wisconsin

Dear Ms. Spudstuffer,
Why yes, and yes, actually. As for Google, you can see below, I typed in "4.2 percent of 12 =" and it answered, as you can also see, "4.2 percent of 12 = 0.504". This calculated the ounces of ethanol in a can of Lite beer. How's that for useful?

Useful AND handy. But my handy tip doesn't stop there Helen, many terms followed by the equal sign do indeed yield an actual direct answer, like so..

Read my Spam

2006-08-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

Intentional mispellings often exist in spam to trick filters, but I'm not sure what they accomplish here..

-----
"Hi,
Hope aI am not writing to wrong address. I am nice, pretty looking
girl. I am plannibng on visiting your town this month. Can
we bmeet each other inb person? Message me back at gtp@summerdayzz.com"
-----

Thank you for your interest in Chuck Central, nice, pretty looking girl.
I would be happy to bmeet inb person, but I dont knowb if b my wife would b like itb.

Parts 4 and 5: The Cheap Beer Challenge

2006-08-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday, Chucks. This time I've changed the format a bit by combining part 4 and 5 (of 6) into a head to head comparison including a blind taste test. Also I purchased the Cheap Beers in 32 oz bum-bottles. I didn't want to get stuck with a "5 pack" of heinous hooch. It also completes the aesthetic effect,.. well, with the addition of the label concealing brown bag. Even derelicts are ashamed to be seen with it.
Embarrassed, I asked the clerk for a price quote on the unnmarked bottles and she looked upon me with some pity. "Bring em' up here Hon, I'll scan em for you".
I do appreciate her helping me wisely spend the jingling fruits of my sofa search.

Products:
Red Dog Beer
Miller High Life Beer

Price:
Red Dog, $1.49 (all time price leader thus far) for a 32oz. glass Bottle at 7-11 in Bedford.
High Life, $1.99 for a 32oz. glass Bottle at 7-11 in Bedford.

Smell:
Red Dog - Not Bad
High Life - Not Good

Color:
Red Dog - Fakely reddish and reddishly fake, BUT the first beer so far that's not Pale Pee colored.
High Life - Pale Pee colored.

Taste:
Red Dog - Impressive! (in relative terms, of course). I think this whole awful test has paid off. I had been hoping something surprising might surface, other than my dinner, and I'll be damned if the cheapest one of them all isn't LESS offensive than the 4 others. Less offensive is the highest praise I can offer any of the swill in this "wino/sneaking teen" category of suds.
Red Dog easily won the blind taste (and smell) test that Lab assisant Audra helped administer.

High Life - My wife actually had a taste from the classic 32 oz screw top bum-bottle, wrinkled her nose, and described it just right, "HARSH!".
I'm not advocating drugs, but you'll truly need to be high to enjoy tasting High Life.

Packaging:
Red Dog - Sweet! A cute, yet macho red bulldog. What's not to love?
High Life - Fairly tasteful design, but it's slogan "The Champagne of Beers" ought to be outlawed. It would be more accuratley dubbed "The Spray Paint Fumes in a Paper Sack, of Beers".

Physical/Mental Effects:
I didn't drink enough this time to comment on the threshold or character of drunkeness/hangover with these. But I'm confident they're quite capable of producing both.

SUMMARY-

Red Dog: A new leader! Nudging aside "Mickey's Big Mouth" and sprinting for the finish! Only Old Milwaukee, yet to be tested, stands in its way now.
No, Red Dog is not a good beer, but it IS the least bad of the bottom feeders. That's incredible, considering it's downright scary-cheap price tag.

High Life: Probably the worst overall, and just as bad as I remembered.
With the exception of a couple ex-girlfriends, few things have left such a bad taste in my mouth.

This Cheap Beer Challenge episode has reinforced three truisms in my mind about cheap beer.
-It must be ICE COLD.
-At it's very best, it tastes like bubbly water.
-It's a precious few social notches above sniffing glue.

Hide the Salami, and the corn dog.

2006-08-02T13:02:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that there are some of you who haven't seen our very own HormigaSlayer's Corno film, "Batter up". It won Best of Show once at the Dallas CornDog Fest.

It's pretty effed-up and Nay-Stee. Dang ol' humpin' mystery meat on a stick. There's a small quicktime version of it HERE.
You ain't heard that from me.

You Elected 'em, continued.

2006-07-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

Roscoe G. Bartlett
Current Office: U.S. Representative
State: Maryland
Current District: 6
Party: Republican
Voting Record: HERE.
FUN FACTS: In what little spare time he has left after blocking important stem cell research, Roscoe enjoys huntin', fishin', pickin' grinnin' noodlin', eephin', wheezin', greezin' and dumpin'.
Roscoe is entirely immune to Viagra, often sleeps sitting up, and his Medic Alert bracelet reads "Shake vigorously before embalming".

Coming Soon

2006-07-27T05:50:00.000-07:00

Parts 4 and 5, Red Dog Vs High Life, of the Cheap Beer Challenge should be up next week. And is it ever a close race.

Free Band Names

2006-07-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

To my knowledge there's no copyright on these. Aspiring bands, use them as you wish, compliments of Chuck Central.

Sid Viscous
Boy Scout Cookies
The Up-Chucks
Nine Inch Nose
PlumberButt
Stink Pretty
Chinese Cheese
The Butt Pluggz
Arty and the Chokes

Nobody Likes Mister Bungle

2006-07-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

Only a Mr. Bungle would watch THIS VIDEO while he was supposed to be working.

Behind on Beer. Have some Meat.

2006-07-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

Since I don't have my Cheap Beer review ready yet (what do you think I do, sit around and drink cheap beer all day?) I'm posting an epic Chicken Fried Steak review by Scott from Dallas Food.org. He was in Austin and went to Hill's. It's worth a read no matter where you live.

Hill's Café. 4700 South Congress Avenue, Austin, Texas.

I'd heard quite a few good things about Hill's chicken-fried steak. Just goes to show, you can't believe everything you hear.

Hill's menu description reads: "Hill's Legendary Chicken-fried Steak. The Hill's award-winning chicken-fried steak is the last of its kind, a genuine South Austin original. We take a Texas-sized tender breaded cutlet, hand grill it to perfection (NOT deep-fried) and then top it off with our famous yellow gravy.... $9.99" While I waited for my order to arrive, I turned the following words over and over in my mind: "hand grilled to perfection."
How does one grill a chicken-fried steak?

Out it came. Total icebox plank steak. FPS in the first degree. As a refresher, the symptoms of Frozen Patty Syndrome are: (1) perfectly consistent pebbled texture (as you see in the picture above); (2) uniform thickness (as you see in the picture above); (3) no asymmetry between upper and lower sides of the patty (as you see in this picture of the other side of the patty); (4) ultra-thin meat with inconsistent grain, no grain, or jigsaw-assembled pieces; (5) near impossibility of separating meat from breading; (6) a very distinctive smell; (7) peculiar crunch of the breading when bitten into; (8) a very distinctive flavor; and (9) a quasi-chemical je ne sais quoi that sets the teeth on edge and lingers on the palate far, far too long. Symptoms 1 through 3 were apparent right off the bat. Cutting a piece off the CFS revealed Symptoms 4 through 6.

I was about to take the fateful bite that would confirm Symptoms 7 through 9 (though 7 was already pretty much confirmed by the way the knife broke through the breading), when that rare voice of sanity whispered in my ear, "What are you doing, you clod?! You know this is a frozen patty. What do you expect to accomplish, other than suffering through a few bites and coughing up $10 for the privilege?" The voice was right. I was in Austin looking for good chicken-fried steaks to calibrate my palate for the hard-slogging back home. I'm willing to jump on a grenade here in Dallas, but I'll leave it to others to do the same in Austin.

My decision made, I waited for the waitress to reappear. She asked, "Is everything okay?" I replied, "This is a frozen patty." She didn't seem to follow me, so I spelled it out. "I came here looking for a chicken-fried steak--hand-breaded, fried to order. This is a pre-breaded frozen patty. I'm not going to pay ten bucks for that." She protested. The meat was not frozen, she said. It was breaded back in the kitchen. She claimed that she'd seen the chicken-fried steaks breaded and fried in a skillet in the kitchen. With laughter in my eyes, if not in my mouth, she could tell I wasn't buying it. "I don't know what you want," she said. "Could I go back and pop my head in the kitchen and watch them make one?" She scampered off to get the manager.

The manager on duty eventually made it over to my table. "I understand you have some questions about our chicken-fried steak." And thus began one of the most surreal conversations I've ever had in a restaurant.

Scott: "The waitress told me that this isn't a pre-breaded frozen patty. Is that right?"

Manager: "Well, we don't bread them here."

Scott: "So they are factory-breaded frozen patties."

Manager: "No, no. They're breaded by hand using our special cracker-meal breading."

Scott: "Then what?"

Manager: "Then they come to the restaurant."

Scott: "Frozen."

Manager: "No, they're not frozen. Our meat is never frozen."

Scott: [pointing to the CFS and flipping it over] "You're telling me that this was breaded somewhere else and brought to the restaurant without being frozen? Wouldn't at least some of the breading fall off?"

Manager: "Would you like something else off the menu?"

Scott: "No, I was really kind of hoping for a chicken-fried steak. Why are the chicken-fried steaks breaded off-site? Seems like it would make more sense just to do it here."

Manager: "Let me know if you'd like anything else."

I headed out. As I got in the car, I laughed. What a strange, strange experience. Making my way back up South Congress, I started getting irritated...then angry. The puffery of the menu exceeds anything I've seen in the 70+ different places I've had CFS in the past several months. The gap between sales patter and the sad frozen patty reality is shameless. The ten-dollar price tag is an insult. The fact that the waitress would flat out lie over and over again (i.e., not frozen, breaded on-site, pan-fried) bothered me. But what really got to me was that, when confronted, the manager refused to come clean, but kept embellishing (yes, they're breaded off-site, but they're hand-breaded off-site and never frozen).

So, at the end of the day, I didn't eat the chicken-fried steak at Hill's Café. Not even a bite. While there's no doubt in my mind how it would've scored had I eaten it, fairness prevents me from offering a letter grade. Grade: ?

Creepy Uncle Dubya

2006-07-18T06:14:00.000-07:00

You're a clever bunch, make up your own caption.

Newbie

2006-07-13T12:16:00.001-07:00

Wee small Jack
at last is hatched
with all his fingers
and fixtures intact

Part 3: Chuck Central Cheap Beer Challenge

2006-07-13T07:39:00.000-07:00

As I reach my 3rd brand of beer in this foolish test, what I already knew is confirmed. Cheap Beer Sucks. Which one sucks the least? So far, it's Mickey's.

Ah yes Mickey's, Little Green Bottles of Regret. I try not to think of all the dumb-assedness inspired by the powerful buzz this liquid offers so cheaply.

Product: MICKEY's Fine Malt Liquor (a.k.a."Mickey's Big Mouth" and "The Green Grenade")

Price: $4.29 a sixer at Liq-o-Rama in Fort Worth TX.

Color: Amber-ish gold. But keep it in the bottle, it looks better in green.

Smell: Yes. But you can screw the tops back on the empties to reduce stank.

Taste: Slightly less bad, and less bland, than Busch and Schaefer, to me.

Packaging: Simply an awesome squatty green barrell bottle. It's trademark big mouth screw- top (with pictionary riddle inside) and pugnacious Wasp mascot printed on top, is kick ass. A very funny WEBSITE too by the way.

Mental/ Physical Effects: Dumb, loud intoxication. This shit is strong,
with an ABV well over 5%. Be careful.

After Effects: Slight hangover and a vague sense of regret.

Summary-

Pros: My favorite cheapie so far. Decent color and not entirely flavorless. Great packaging and web page.
Cons: MUST be Ice cold, (like the other beers in this series) to be tolerable. Also, It's potency sneaks up on you. This trait can quickly morph from pro to con. As can the drinker.

Bottom Line:
It's funny how well connoisseurship polishes the negative image of alcohol. Fortunately, being an aficionado of exceptional brewing and fine wines makes booze semi-respectable, and cultivates a vocabulary of bullshit parlance that can make even drunken clods seem erudite and sexy.
Cheap beer has none of that. It's judged mainly by its "bang for the buck", a bang that Mickey's has plenty of. Not just bums, but many hard-working stiffs with little else in their lives depend on it, as an Oasis of escape at the end of a day of grueling labor.
Almost a grim way of looking at it really. You might want to put on your BEER GOGGLES.

An Interesting Experiment.

2006-07-10T07:16:00.000-07:00

Read this amazing Cockeyed article.

Part 2: Chuck Central Cheap Beer Challenge

2006-07-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

One reasearch study has suggested that moderate consumption of alcoholic beverages might actually have health benefits. I'm reasonably certain "Schaefer Light" was NOT the test substance in that study. Partial evidence of this is a scarcity of Schaefer fans who consume moderately.

Secret ingedients are still common in food and drink these days, and I suspect Schaefer has developed some sort of synthetic intoxicant that's even cheaper to produce than ethanol (the active ingedient in beer and an excellent alternative fuel).

The test results.

Product: Schaefer Light, 12 ounce cans.

Price: A mere $6.79 a 12-pack. Let the urinating begin!

Color: Once again, pale pee.

Aroma: None. This was a pleasant surprise, and a welcome improvement over Busch's Barf-Bouquet.

Taste: Very little taste at all, at least nothing to suggest contamination by Hops or Malted Barley. The aftertaste is a familiar metallic sensation on the back of the roof of the mouth. Ack. This is brief, thankfully.

Packaging: The box and can design is not bad, clean and simple. But, the first 12 pack I bought was taped shut by hand. The cans inside were scratched, dented and sticky. This was disturbing, and tainted my overall perception of this crap. My wife exchanged it for another 12 pack only because the law here in Texas won't allow refunds for alcoholic beverages (there's a joke in there somewhere).

Physical/Mental Effects: A weak, barely detectable buzz. But I stopped after 2 beers, it IS Schaefer.

After Effects: None

SUMMARY-

Pros: Mild smell, low price. Shaefer is not the world's worst (that's still a toss-up between Heineken and Milwaukee's Best).

Cons: This fairly feeble excuse for beer has an aftertaste/finish that is its least appealing feature. It's been 12 hours and I can still imagine the lingering synthetic chintziness. But then again, what do you expect from a 56 cent can of rice water?

Bottom Line: It's only potable cuz the box be havin' a card-bode handle, ho.

Excessive Brevity Poor Communicator

2006-07-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

Ambiguous Headlines Collected

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in  Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in  10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test  Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Sheriff
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

It's Alive

2006-07-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

I noticed this "Live Bait" vending machine at a Lake Grapevine marina recently.
Maybe they could save a step, and just sell fish in it.

Part 1: Chuck Central Cheap Beer Challenge

2006-06-30T05:34:00.000-07:00

Why would you drink Cheap Beer? Well, probably for one of two reasons.

A: You drink so frequently that you've lost all pride and discrimination, and repeated episodes of alcohol related poor judgment have rendered you short of cash.
B: You're a reasonably responsible person who just happens to be prudent with your funds (Your a cheap skate).

I hope you're a "B".

I'll be testing and comparing 6 different cheap six-packs over a 6 week span. I'm defining "cheap" as under 5 bucks a sixer, when not on sale. Here are the results of Part 1 of Chuck's Cheap Beer Challenge.

Product: Busch 16 oz. Tall Boy Cans

Price: $4.82 a six pack at Kroger

Color: Anemic Wee-Wee Color

Aroma: A distinctly unpleasant and expectation-lowering cheap beer funk is briefly detectable upon popping the can. The Empty cans quickly become stinky too. Smell is the single worst feature of this product in my estimation.

Taste: The first sip tasted foul to me. But mercifully and amazingly, it faded with each successive sip until little to no actual taste was evident. I've found the nearly flavorless, bubbly water taste to be the norm with almost all low-end American Macro-Brews.

Packaging: Big "Tall Boy" pint cans look like they mean business, but the graphics and colors are overly ambitious, poorly printed, gaudy and clumsily overstated. It's surprising how much a BIG can encourages BIG drinking.
This could be a BIG problem for those who already have trouble knowing when to slow down.

Physical/Mental Effects: Made me goofy, slow witted, cheerful, and talkative. Produced powerful Belches, urgent urination and night farts. Which, in fairness, could have been be the bean-soup talking.

After Effects: 5 cans consumed from about 7:30 to 11:00, with food, produced a weak, lingering hangover type haze for an hour or two the next morning (a problem I don't have with even slightly more upscale brews).

SUMMARY-

Only for the cheapest of cheap dates. Don't serve this to anyone you want to call you back, give you sex, or be your friend.

Pros:
After getting past that first or second icky sip, it's actually one of the less offensive of the Super-Cheap beers. Chilled to near freezing, it's quite tolerable.
Decent Buzz Value, I guess, which is a humble but valid reason for the budget concious boozer to pinch pennies.

Cons:
If you're a drinker of Busch, It's kind of handy that alcoholism is partly defined by denial. While you're denying that you have a drinking problem, you can also deny that this stuff has an initial stank not unlike the mildewed crotch of swimming pool soaked, choad baked skivvies.

Introducing Lauren

2006-06-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Darren and Angela Vader.
They have produced a small, cute, red person.

Still a Quitter

2006-06-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

Quit Date is: 3/29/2006

Time Endured: 91 days

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 2730

Lifetime Added: 20 days, 20 hours

Money Saved: $546.00

You Elected 'em, Continued

2006-06-23T06:45:00.000-07:00

My ongoing report of congressional commentary caricatures.

Richard Hugh Baker
State: Louisiana
Current Office: U.S. Representative
Current District: 6
Party: Republican
Voting Record: HERE.
Fun Facts: None. Well, last christmas he got a gag gift that he had to open in front of the whole family. Ha ha. OK maybe that's not so fun.
How bout his favorite food? His own creation, the Fried Sardine and Xanthan Gum sandwich.

Support your Loco Gringos

2006-06-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

The Dallas Observer Blog, UNFAIR PARK is one I like to read sometimes.
But recently they published a post insinuating that those of us who would attend a Loco Gringos tribute at Bar Of Soap are in some way not hip. Blasphemy, and bullshit, I say.
I just had to stick up for us geezers (over 35) who have fond memories of that early Ellum/Expo Park scene with a comment to Sam Machkovech's ambiguously scornful dig, HERE.

Flatulogram?

2006-06-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

An eloquent, and all too informative article I found on common flatulence..

Flatulence is the release of a mixture of gases known as flatus produced by symbiotic bacteria and yeasts living in the gastrointestinal tract of mammals. Flatus is released under pressure through the anus, often accompanied by odor and sound. Releasing flatus gases is colloquially known as farting.

The noises commonly associated with flatulence are caused by the vibration of the anus. The sound varies depending on the tightness of the sphincter muscle and velocity of the gas being propelled, as well as other factors such as moisture and body fat. The pitch of the flatulence outburst can also be affected by the anal embouchure. Among humans, sometimes farting happens accidentally, such as incidentally to coughing or sneezing; on other occasions, intentional farting occurs through the tensing and releasing of the anal sphincter.

Recording flatulence events-

The term meteorism is defined as the presence of gas within the abdomen or intestines. However, it is sometimes also used to describe the condition of excessive flatulence. Since subjective judgements vary considerably about what constitutes normal and elevated levels of flatulence, medical personnel sometimes instruct a patient complaining about excessive flatulence to maintain a personal flatulence diary. Researchers studying flatulence have also developed what is called a flatulogram. Its horizontal axis represents time (typically 24 hours, with each hour being marked on the time line). The subject is instructed to make a pencil mark on this line at each point in time that they notice flatus passing through the anus. The acoustic volume of the event is indicated by the vertical distance that the pencil mark rises above the time line. Inaudible events are indicated by a short mark that extends only below the time line.

Environmental impact-

Livestock are a significant contributing factor to the greenhouse effect, accounting for around 20% of global methane emissions. Less than 10% of the total greenhouse gas emissions from livestock is produced by animal flatulence; much is produced by animal burping. Livestock in New Zealand account for 60% of the country's greenhouse gas emissions. Livestock in Australia contribute approximately 14% of that country's greenhouse gas emissions.

Thanks to the handy Wikipedia for the preceeding ass-facts.

The Wurst Ride in Texas

2006-06-13T10:27:00.000-07:00

Anybody interested in riding the 100k "WURST RIDE" from Austin to the WURSTFEST in New Braunfels? (Nov.11th)
I'm doin' it, and If I can do it, anyone can. Well, anyone who's semi-fit, has a bike and two legs, or even two of those cool, high tech prosthetic legs. You've got 5 months to train if you start now. C'mon, it'll be fun, and it benefits Brain and Spine research too. Who among us couldn't use more Spine and Brains.
There's a simultaneous 50k fun ride also (2nd half of the course).

Wurstfest Trivia: "The festival had its first big time entertainer in 1968 when MYRON FLOREN of the Lawrence Welk TV show appeared. In ’72, a segment of Floren’s performance at Wurstfest was shown on the Lawrence Welk show. "

Hinn, Hill, whatever.

2006-06-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

When Curmudgeons Write Poetry

2006-06-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
Fuck You.

And keep your stupid kids,
out of my yard.

Psycho Toon

2006-06-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

A Wiki entry I recently read states that Ren Hoek "has antisocial personality disorder and paranoid schizophrenia", and often "breaks down into fits of psychosis".

That's quite an accomplishment considering he's only a drawing. Well, sometimes he's a stuffed plush doll too. I have one like this except he's wearing old-timey red long johns, with functioning rear trap door, of course.
Curiously, Ren himself is quite confused about the process of his own animation, insisting "it's all done with puppets and stew meat".

A Public Service Announcement..

2006-05-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

..and cautionary message to all you youngsters out there looking to foolishly experiment with alcohol, from BUMWINE.COM

Tucks Tame the Flame

2006-05-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

A couple posts back the cartoon characters in Mucilix and Lamasil ads were mentioned and I speculated that a Tucks mascot will soon follow. I think Burnin' Bert would be popular.

Mental Floss

2006-05-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

More streaming conciousness from the Kitchen-Bar Doodle-Pad.

Good and Bad Ads

2006-05-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

Strangely, the best and worst recent TV commercials feature unrelated animated medicine mascots.

Mr. Mucas, a talking booger/goober, is pretty darn cute. Mucilex "sends him packing", ha ha.

Conversely, "Digger" the loathsome toenail fungi monster for Lamiisil is one of the least appealing ads of all time. (with the possible exception of the "TUCKS" soothing 'roid "pads" ad in which they extinguish a match with it).
Be glad TUCKS doesn't have an cartoon mascot. Yet. I'm working on it.
Check back Friday.